Things you'll never forget
by pamy
Summary: There are some things you'll never forget. The way Lilly smiled at you. The first time he hit you. Logan POV on his father. Logan/Duncan friendship. Logan/lilly. I'm not really good with titles. Please read and review.


**OK this is a story from Logan's POV on his father. let me know what you think ok. **

**disclaimer: don't own veronica Mars. If I did I wouldn't be writting this story.**

* * *

There are some things you'll never forget.

The way Lilly smiled at you. Her broken body. The way she kissed. The first time he hit you. You were six the first time it happened. Just a child. You can't remember why he hit you. You don't know what you did. All you really remember is the pain.

All of your childhood memories are filled with pain.

Sometimes you wonder why he hit you. There must have been a reason. Something you did wrong. It took you years and help from your friends to realize that it wasn't your fault. Sometimes when you close your eyes you can still see his angry face. Sometimes you can still feel the pain.

You wish you could just forget.

* * *

You always wanted to run.

After his beatings. It was always the first thing you wanted to do. Get away from him. Run as fast and as hard as you could. Get as far away from him as you could. Just run away. You always knew that in the end you'd return. You just wanted to get away from him. But you never did.

There was simply nobody to run to.

You never had any real friends. Sure there were guys who hung out with you. But that was mostly because of your father. There wasn't one of them you could run to. Not one of them would understand. Nobody would believe you anyway. So you don't run. Your mother was always there by your side. Somehow that just made it worse.

You just wanted to run away. If only there was somebody to run to.

* * *

It changes when you move to Neptune.

Suddenly you have friends. Real friends. Lilly, Duncan and Veronica. Somehow that makes everything better. For months your life seems almost perfect. Almost. The first time he hits you there is one of the worst beatings you've ever received. That time you truly did run.

You just wanted to run and never look back.

You don't really realize where you're going. But a part of you knew. It's the first time you ran away. It's the first time you had somebody to run to. You manage to climb to his bedroom window and knock on it. He's surprised to see you there but doesn't say a word.

He simply lets you in.

He takes one look at your back and he understands. There's no need for explanations. No need to tell him anything. He never asks questions. But he knew. He simply knew. You never talked about it. But from that night he started to treat your father differently. It's how you knew he truly was your friend.

You know you're always welcome.

* * *

For years he was the only one that cared.

Duncan. He never talks about it but he cares. Over the years your nightly visits have become more frequent but he never says anything. He never tells you to stop coming. You're always welcome. No matter what happens. It doesn't matter if you're fighting.

You're always welcome.

You were always afraid of what would happen if Lilly ever found out. You thought she would cal you a liar. She liked your father after all. You knew she'd find out eventually. One night she simply walked into her brothers room and found you there. You expected screams. Instead she just stands there looking at you.

You close your eyes and wait for her to react.

She only takes one look at your back and she knows. Just like Duncan she doesn't need explanations. She grabs a towel and starts to wash the blood away. You're surprised by her tender touch. She makes sure not to hurt you. After a while you look up and meet her eyes. She smiles at you softly.

There's no pity in her eyes.

That's the moment you fall in love with her.

* * *

Things become better after that.

The beatings happen more frequently now. And they are worse. But knowing that there's somebody who cares makes it easier. Sometimes it hurts so much you can barely move. But you always make it to his room. And they are always there waiting for you.

The pain is excruciating at times.

It hurts so much you can barely sleep. Sometimes you wonder if his parents know you're in the house. You don't think it really matters. You always sleep in his bed. And they are always there. When you wake up Duncan is sleeping on the floor. Lilly is always lying next to you.

She's always there.

It's what makes you feel better. The knowledge that she cares enough to stay with you. Her soft touch when she takes care of your wounds. The soft kisses she gives you. The way she snuggles against you in the night. Just to make sure you don't feel alone. She always makes you feel better. She doesn't hate you. She doesn't pity you.

Those are the reasons you love her.

* * *

They are your friends and they care.

Just like Ronnie's your friend. And you know that she would care to. But you just can't tell her. Her father's the sheriff. You know he would do something. Keith would then probably lose his job. You would never want that to happen (_when you think about this later you realize how ironic it is. That at one time you wanted to make sure he didn't lose his job. But years later you were there to make sure he did lose it.)_

But she knows. Somehow she just knows.

Just like Duncan did. Just like Lilly did. She just knows. She never says anything about it. She never asks questions. But she knows. She must have seen the scars on his back. She doesn't pity you. She cares about you. Some days she treats you differently.

You're glad you have friends that care so much.

* * *

After Lilly dies your world spins out of control.

You just lose it. When you think about it later you know you were never really angry with Veronica. You were just lost. Lilly was gone and it was like nothing matter anymore. It doesn't take that long before the anger disappears. But by then you've already lost. You never try to get her back.

Sometimes you wish you had.

Without Lilly the world seems to have lost color. Life seems to have lost it's meaning. You know Duncan's still there. But somehow he isn't. He's a shell. There's barely anything left of the friend you once knew. And Veronica. Well it's your own fault you lost her. You simply pushed her away.

Your world crashes around you. And there's nothing you can do about it.

You lost your reason to live.

* * *

He doesn't hit your for months.

After Lilly dies. But you knew it wouldn't last. When he finally does it's worse then ever. Probably because there's no Lilly to think about. Still when it's over you find yourself at Duncan's window. He's a shell. He barely reacts anymore. There's barely anything left of the Duncan you once knew.

But he never denies you access.

He lets you in without a seconds pause. He still asks you no questions. He's there for you even tough he's not so strong anymore. Lilly isn't there and you both feel it. But for a moment it seems like it was before. He's there for you and he always will be.

That's how you know he's the best friend you'll ever have.

He's your brother.

* * *

His beatings become worse.

You don't really know why. But somehow they become even worse. At times you think he's broken something. But he never does. He's not that stupid. He doesn't want you to end up in the hospital. One time you find yourself at Duncan's window but you don't knock.

You miss Lilly so much. It hurts so much.

Sometimes you feel like you can't breath. Instead of climbing into Duncan's room you go to Lilly's window. You know how to climb in you've done it before. You fall on her bed and close your eyes. And you swear you feel her hands caressing your wounds. And you hear her voice. You feel her presence close to you.

You know that you're dreaming. But you don't really care.

For a second she's there.

* * *

You always go to Lilly's room.

Instead of going to Duncan you find yourself at Lilly's room. He knows. Just like he knew about the beatings. He never questions you about it. But you feel better there. It's like she's with you. It's like she's there. You know she isn't there. You know she's dead. It just feels that way.

You wonder if you've gone crazy.

That's how you feel. Crazy. You feel Lilly there beside you. Sometimes you even see her. You begin to wonder if those are really dreams. Maybe she's really there. Watching over you. Making sure you're ok. You like to think about it that way. That she loves you enough to come back.

You sleep better in Lilly's room then in your own.

* * *

Suddenly everything changes.

After your mother dies he's different. He's stops beating you. He's not angry anymore. It's like he's dead as well. You always taught you'd feel better when he would stop. Instead you feel worse. There's no reason to go to Lilly's room. There's no reason for Lilly to be with you.

You're afraid she'll disappear.

But when you go to sleep she's still there. Watching over you. After all you still need her. Your mother's dead. She smiles at you and you smile back. And you wonder if she's truly there. Maybe she's just a figment of your imagination.

You wonder if it truly matters.

* * *

It's months before he beats you again.

It's after that horrible birthday party. Part of you knows it's your own fault. After Veronica disappears you're just so angry. You make him angry and you want him to hit you. you never taught it would be this bad. It hurts so much you can barely stand.

You crawl away from the house.

There's nowhere for you to go. For while you just sit there on the beach. Staring at the ocean. Remembering a time when it was all better. A time when four friends walked laughing on that beach not know what would come . Not knowing the pain that lied ahead.

You just wish you could go back

* * *

You fall asleep without realizing it.

You feel Lilly's arms around you. But for the first time they don't make you feel better. It's like you need something else. Something you fear you have lost. She whispers something in your ear and gives you a kiss. You're still lying on the beach. It hurts more than it hurt before. If that's even possible.

You've only been there for an hour.

You get up and slowly walk away. Before you know it you're where you were supposed to be. You softly knock on his window wondering what will happen. The scene where he walked away is still vivid in your head. You wonder if he will close the window in your face.

He doesn't. He takes one look at you and he knows.

He lets you in without another word. You're not talking to each other. He's angry at you because of Veronica. You try not the think about the fact that he could have killed Lilly. But you're still here. And he still cares. He always will.

After all he's your best friend. Your brother.

He'll always be there.

* * *

You never think about your father.

You see no reason to. You hate him more than anything else. Especially after finding out he killed Lilly. You truly feel alone now. Lilly's dead. Your mother's dead. Duncan's gone. Veronica isn't speaking to you. You feel lost.

You've lost all your friends.

Somehow you knew that you'd lose Veronica. She never truly trusted you again. You didn't expect her to. Not after the way you treated her when Lilly died. You feel alone. And now you truly know. There's nobody to run to anymore. You always wished for your father to stop hitting you. Now you wish you could go back.

You were happy then.

You wish you could go back to that time. That time when your father was beating you. Because back then you had friends you could count on. People you could run to. Back then you had Lilly. Now you have no one. You know Dick is sleeping in the other room but it's not the same thing.

You'll never have friends like that again. You'll never love like that again.

You don't really want to.

* * *

Sometimes your father finds his way into your thoughts.

You try to think of a happy memory with him. There must have been a time that he cared. A time that he loved you. But there's nothing. All you can remember when you think about your father is the pain. You know that pain will never disappears. Just like those scars never will.

You dream about him. But they're not your worse nightmares.

Sometimes you can feel still feel her presence. When you think about your dad. When you dream about his beatings. You always feel her close to you. Sometimes you even hear her voice. You try not to think about your father. But he always finds his way into your thoughts.

And just like the pain is always there so is she.

It's like she's fighting against the pain. Making sure you also remember the good times. You know she'll never disappear.

That's why you love her.

* * *

You wish your father had been better.

You dream of the father that you should have had. The father he should have been. The person he never was. Now you know that he just couldn't love. That all he could do was hate. Hate and hurt the people he was supposed to love.

You think of how things should have been.

You wish you could remember your childhood without pain. Without all of the beatings. But you can't. You never knew what you did wrong. But it must have been something. The truth is you never hated your father. You hated what he did to you. But you didn't hate him. You love him.

Until you found out he killed Lilly.

From that moment on you wonder how you could have ever love him. And you blame yourself. If only you would have had the courage to stand up to him. If only you'd gone to Keith. Maybe they would have locked him up. Maybe Lilly would still be alive.

You hate your father. You just wish you could forget him.

But you can't.


End file.
